Bella’s Point of View
Lauren and Jessica came to visit me Tuesday evening. I had yet to return to school. I hadn’t even returned to the land of the living until sometime Monday afternoon, when I’d woken to sunlight streaming through my bedroom window and wondered when and how I had left Colorado. For its own protection, my brain had tried to repress the memory of me shoving Edward away to puke my guts out, and from there on out things were hazy at best. Charlie didn’t even suggest I try to go to school Monday, and when I only picked at dinner Monday night, he offered to call me in sick on Tuesday as well. I was feeling fine but if anyone ever deserved a day to sit around in pajamas and watch Full House reruns on TV, it was me.
Alice called Monday, but only to see if I was feeling any better, and to promise she’d bring my homework by Tuesday after school. I was understandably surprised, then, when it was Lauren and Jessica standing on my porch early Tuesday evening, my school books and make up work in hand.
“Bella,” Lauren beamed, throwing her arms around me in a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you. I was worried.”
“Um . . . thanks.”
“We won’t stay long; I know you have a lot of getting caught up to do,” she explained, brushing past me and into the house. Jessica hesitated before following, leaving me to shut the door behind them. My school books were thrown onto the coffee table in the living room and both perched on the couch, leaving me to stand awkwardly in front of them as Lauren continued, “I just wanted to . . . ask you a couple questions.”
I froze. Something about the glint in Lauren’s icy blue gaze alerted me before another word was said that I wasn’t going to like this, and I had a very strong idea of where her questions were going to lead.
“So. About Colorado,” she began when I didn’t say anything.
I quickly interjected, “Look, Lauren, nothing happened. I don’t know – everyone was just drunk and crazy, but really, nothing happened.”
“What are you talking about?”
Shoot. Treading more carefully, I pressed, “What are you talking about?”
“I was just going to apologize. I hadn’t realized that you and Edward were . . . . you know, a thing.” Clearly it pained her to say it. “If I had known – I mean, I don’t want you to think I’m a total bitch. If I had known there was anything going on between you, I wouldn’t have—“
With a shake of my head, I snorted, “There isn’t anything going on between us.”
“Really.” It was a statement, and I scrambled to discover the meaning behind it. How desperately I wished events were clearer for me . . . but even what I could remember of that last night had remained tucked away in the deepest recesses of my mind. Hiding out at home had given me the opportunity to pretend Colorado had never happened. I hadn’t even begun to try and sift through what had or had not transpired between myself and Edward Cullen, much less attempt to decipher any motive or meaning.
“Really,” I repeated with a firm nod. Pursing my lips, I inquired cautiously, “What made you think something had?”
“Well, he did.”
It was my turn to state, “Really.” My heart jumped in surprise at her answer and immediately my brain hummed into overdrive. What did that mean?
The apologetic frown intensified as she forced out, “Honestly, Bella, you don’t have to lie to me. I feel bad enough as it is. He told me . . . he told me what happened between you two.” My eyebrows rose in what I was trying to pass off as skepticism, but I could already feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and my breath picking up.
What had happened between us? Well, there had been some hardcore making out, and then we had both . . . orgasmed. And then I had vomited. And then suddenly he was throwing punches at James . . . that’s all my brain would let me dredge up. Then I was back in Forks and it was Monday afternoon.
But surely he hadn’t told any of that to Lauren.
“And honestly, Bella, I swear, if I had known, I wouldn’t have—“ but she cut herself off again, clamping her lips shut tightly and sharing an anxious glance with Jessica.
“Wouldn’t have what?” I was taking the bait and that disgusted me, but my curiosity was all that kept me standing and somewhat calm.
“Look, after you hit your head Saturday night, you were gone and he . . . well, I mean, you left him really worked up.”
It felt like my entire body was convulsing as my heart slammed against the walls of my chest, “Excuse me?”
She forged ahead, “And I mean, we were both really drunk and high . . . look, I wouldn’t have had sex with him if I’d known you just had. That’s disgusting.”
I choked. I wasn’t sure what to react to first so I just started coughing and sat quickly down on the coffee table, wincing as I landed uncomfortably on my text books.
“Oh, Bella,” she groaned, rushing forward to throw an arm around my shoulder. I shrugged it off, but that apparently made her feel even worse and she gushed, “I realize I’m the worst friend ever. But I mean, you had said you didn’t have anything going on with him, and then he and I spent a lot of time together Friday and Saturday . . . and I mean, I was so drunk, when he found me Saturday . . . he just went off about how you were blueballing him and then chose James and . . . oh, I don’t want to say anymore, Bella. You look like you’re going to faint. Are you okay?”
“No, yeah, I’m fine,” I nodded, shook my head, nodded again. My brain couldn’t figure out the appropriate response. The blood rushing in my ears was making it difficult to hear and my throat felt like I’d just knocked back a shotglass of sand. “We didn’t have—I didn’t have sex with him, Lauren.” It felt ridiculous to say. It should have gone without saying.
She looked genuinely shocked and took a moment to collect her thoughts before explaining, “I mean, I wouldn’t have accused you of it, Bella. But I mean, we all saw the way you threw yourself at him in the shed.” Ugh. Undeniably so. “I just assumed . . . I mean, he told me he was sorry that he kind of jerked me around like that, but that you were just so . . .” She was frowning at the floor now, flustered and apologetic. “He said you didn’t wait for him, that you came before him . . .“ I felt the vomit rising in my throat; perhaps I ought to lay down. This was too much. “And then you wouldn’t let him finish. I mean, he was so worked up when he found me, and I just assumed he was – I didn’t realize you two had – I swear, I wouldn’t have done it, Bella. I just, stupid me, thought he was all worked up over me. He didn’t say anything about you until we were done.”
“That’s not what happened at all,” I argued, but I sure didn’t want to say what had. When she looked at me expectantly, I just demanded, “Why would he tell you that? That’s not what happened!”
“I’m so relieved,” she sighed, again pulling my into a tight hug that I was too light-headed to return. “I mean, I feel shitty enough as it is that he just took advantage of my feelings for him like that, but it was going to be even worse if he had just done it to you, too. Well, I’m so glad that’s cleared up, though.”
I forced a grin, “Yeah, nothing to worry about. Now, I’m sorry to kick you out, but I’ve got to get started on dinner for my dad.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, honest Bella. I just needed to get that off my chest. I just . . . I mean, he told me you were a virgin before him, and it’s just been killing me to not be able to talk to you about it.”
“Well now you know the truth. I promise. There’s nothing between me and Edward Cullen.” She gave me one final hug before leaving, her shoulders clearly unburdened. Jessica hadn’t said anything except hello and goodbye. Somehow I held it together until their car had left the driveway, and then I collapsed against the door, sobbing into my knees.
I had always known not to trust Lauren, and Jessica had even warned me that Lauren was aiming to seduce Edward. They had spent almost the entire weekend together. I wasn’t so stupid to think she had really come over here heavy-hearted to apologize to me for having sex with a guy she honestly thought I’d just had sex with. She knew better. In fact, had I told her what actually happened, she probably would have thought I was lying. The Bella Swan she knew was prudish and sexually inept and certainly not capable of seducing Edward Cullen, no matter how drunk he was.
No, she hadn’t come over to apologize. She had come over to rub in my face that she had won. She got him. Even if I had never said it out loud, even if I only even toyed with the idea while drunk, I wanted him. And she got him.
And he had asked for protection from her – what a joke! I’m not sure which hurt worse: the idea of the two of them together, or that I had warmed him up for her. The bile was rising again, and I raced to the bathroom, pressing my forehead against the cool tile of the tub to try and calm my stomach. I hated throwing up, but every time I blinked I saw Lauren and Edward pressed together, their arms around each other, their lips attacking bared throats—
That was supposed to be me! It had been me. And for a few minutes I managed to force the nausea into submission as my mind reeled, trying to find some way to spin things that would make my life okay again.
Lauren claimed I had left Edward all worked up. I had been sure he had . . . but what did I know about guys? And anyways, guys could go again, couldn’t they? It wasn’t like a one-time thing. Even if he had, maybe he’d been all ready for round two and then I’d started puking. Which meant he was the most disgusting stream of derogatory terms imaginable if he had then gone and sought out another girl to take care of business.
She claimed I had thrown myself at him, which was disgustingly true.
She said he said that he’d been too drunk and high to resist me. First the idea of me being irresistible made me snort, but perhaps if a guy was drunk enough. I mean, I had straddled the guy’s lap, pushed him down . . . probably a guy could get turned on and drunk enough that it didn’t matter what girl he was making out with. That would also help explain how and why he’d then gone to another girl.
I vaguely remembered seeing him Sunday . . . he had sat by me on the bus, right? Fanned me with a magazine or something when I was ready to throw up again. Maybe he felt guilty. I hoped he did. What kind of guy . . . what kind of guy fingers a girl to orgasm and then goes and screws her friend?
And the nausea was back.
I had to stop thinking about it. I had to shove the disgust and the desire and the hurt into the back of my mind. Maybe Lauren was lying about Edward telling her anything – after all, her facts were wrong, and I couldn’t see Edward wanting to actually fess up to having been with me anyways. If anything, he would lie about being with me at all. Lauren had just wanted to rub it in my face that nothing had happened. In reality, as it turned out, I was just a drunk, unsatisfactory mistake. And Lauren had been the solution.
It took me twenty minutes to finally convince myself the entire thing was a bad dream. Nothing had happened between me and Edward Cullen. The whole orgasm thing was just a figment of my imagination, just a very realistic dream like I’d been having for weeks now. I had hit my head. And I was drunk. And stoned too, I guess. But nothing had happened between Edward and me, and hell, nothing had happened between Lauren and Edward, because if I was going to lie myself into contentment, I might as well go whole hog. Edward Cullen had gotten no action on the ski trip. I mean, the guy was probably gay!
Yeah. Edward Cullen was gay. Lauren and I were both just making stuff up. Good. I could live in a world where girls lied because that’s what we do, especially when there is a gorgeous man involved. I couldn’t live in a world where Edward Cullen, the boy who sang Brown Eyed Girl to me and left a dozen love bites on my neck and collarbone, would have sex with Lauren Mallory. But I couldn’t think about that anymore, about why it bothered me so much to think of him with her, because that would be getting too deep into thoughts and feelings that had nothing to do with simple lust, thoughts and feelings that I refused to acknowledge the existence of.
When I got drunk, I lusted for the beautiful Edward Cullen. We went to Colorado and nothing happened between us. I hit my head a lot. I came home. Edward Cullen was gay. The end. Cue the music for the credits.
I almost had Charlie call me in sick to school again Wednesday, but finals were approaching and I didn’t want to be any further behind than I already was. And I actually left for school in a good place mentally. Charlie had set the coffee maker up for me so I had a fresh cup when I came down for breakfast. It wasn’t raining, and the block of sunlight I sat in to eat was actually bright enough to warm the back of my neck. I did a pretty good job of covering up the hickeys that were finally fading, and even the swollen bruise on my forehead had begun to go down and turn a nasty yellow-brown color. Charlie had filled my truck’s tank for me, and it felt good to slip behind the wheel again. Even if I hardly trusted my own driving, the truck made me feel big, strong, and invincible. Which was exactly what I needed.
Alice was waiting for me in the parking lot and came bounding over as soon as I’d parked, all grins and giggles as she bubbled, “I’m so glad you’re back, Bella. I didn’t realize how much I liked you until you were out of my life for two days.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Oh, you know what I mean,” she laughed, giving my arm a hard shove. Then, suddenly leaning in to inspect my neck, she nodded, “Well, you did okay, I guess, for someone who doesn’t really know anything at all about make up.”
“Yeah, and fortunately Charlie’s not too observant anyways.” I was glad my work passed inspection, but I wished desperately the stupid hickeys would be gone completely already. All they did was serve as a reminder of . . . no, Edward Cullen was gay. The hickeys were a medical mystery. They had just appeared out of nowhere. An allergic reaction to my pillow. In the form of bruises instead of hives.
I hadn’t told Alice about Lauren’s visit. Or, I’d told her she and Jessica came by, which she of course knew because she’d sent my homework with them. But I hadn’t mentioned what Lauren had told me, and Alice had yet to ask me any questions about Saturday night, which was unlike her but certainly appreciated. Eventually there would be questions, but for now she seemed content to share with annoyance that absolutely nothing had happened in my absence.
“Morning, Bella!” Lauren called out, turning quickly from her conversation with Tyler and jogging over. She was in a sunny mood. Of course, the last thing I wanted was to let her see how often I was having to repeat my new mantra to myself to erase the nausea and hurt from her visit: Nothing happened. Edward Cullen is gay anyways. So I smiled and returned her greeting, relaxing as Lauren’s and Alice’s easy chatter wrapped around me. This was good. The world had not imploded.
Then I dialed the combination on my locker and it exploded. Something like three dozen condoms rained down on me. And I just stood there because what else can you do? Early morning condom showers are not something I have practice in reacting to.
“What the fuck?” Lauren finally demanded, giving voice to my thoughts quite accurately. I turned slowly, dramatically, because clearly I was on some reality television show, Candid Camera or Punk’d or something. I mean, really, who fills someone’s locker with condoms? Who fills my locker with condoms? Alice and Lauren just gaped, and behind them Jessica and Mike gaped, and behind them . . .
Edward Cullen gaped. He stared at the small mountain of protective sex gear collected around my feet, a couple still sliding out of my locker to punctuate the silence. His eyes traveled up to meet mine and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out his expression. Surprise? Concern? Anxiety? I was certainly surprised by his appearance. Black eye, huge bruise on his cheekbone, and scab on his lip. Apparently he and James had really gone at it, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember why
It was really irrelevant, though, because Edward suddenly spun in his heel and that boy all but ran down the hall.
That didn’t save me from the condoms, though. My face screwed up in disgust as I asked pitifully, “What do I do?”
“Um . . . well, do you need them?” Alice ventured.
I sent her an unamused eyeroll and insisted, “Did you really just ask me that?”
“Well . . . can I have some of them? Just in case!” My eyes widened at Alice’s request while Lauren threw her head back to laugh. But I mean, what else was I going to do with three dozen condoms when the only guy I was even the slightest bit interested in was gay?
“I guess you can, as long as you’ll pick them up,” I shrugged, making a face. “Anyone else need protection?” Several students pulled up handfuls and I averted my gaze, really not wanting to know who was sexually active. A few packets still sat in the bottom of my locker, and I used my fingertips to flip them quickly onto the ground.
Jessica saw this and giggled, “What’s wrong, Bella?” I shook my head, but she pursued further, “I mean, they aren’t used or anything. They’re still in the packets.”
“Have you ever even seen one?” Lauren teased, and if the stunt itself hadn’t already brought on the blush, my cheeks were blazing now. Before I could say anything, she had ripped one of the packets open and pulled the condom out, stepping closer to show me. I wanted to slam my head repeatedly in my locker until I lost consciousness. This could not be happening.
“You just place it on the tip off the—listen to me, Bella, this is important stuff!” she demanded, grabbing my arm when I tried to turn towards Alice. “Place it on the tip of the penis and roll it down—“
“I can demonstrate if you’d like,” Mike offered. I sent him a scathing glare that made everyone laugh. Gee, I was so glad I had come back to school. What had everyone done for the past two days without me around to be the butt of their jokes?
Before I could say anything to salvage even the tiniest scrap of dignity, a gruff voice silenced us all, “The hallway, children, is no place for sex ed.”
Boldly, stupidly, Mike retorted, “Anytime is the right time for a safe sex lecture. Teen pregnancy statistics are through the roof these days, Mr. Washmond.”
“Mr. Newton, I will see you in detention after school. Miss Swan?”
“They . . . aren’t mine,” I insisted lamely. Only a half dozen remained on the ground. “Someone filled my locker with them.”
“What juvenile delinquent would find something like this amusing?”
I I held my hands up and glanced between my friends. Jasper had appeared and both he and Alice were trying to stifle their laughter. Mike didn’t seem too perturbed about the detention and was biting his fist. Jessica’s lips were pressed into a tight line as she contained the giggles. stammered for an answer, but did he honestly expect one? Of course I didn’t know who had filled my locker with condoms. Only Lauren seemed unamused and mouthed over Washmond’s shoulder one name. Edward.
Of course he hadn’t filled my locker with condoms. But maybe I had been wrong. Maybe he had told Lauren he and I’d had sex. And maybe he’d told someone else, too, someone who thought this would be hilarious. My eyes trailed up and down the hall to see if anyone looked proud or guilty, but with Washmond’s arrival students had scattered.
“Well, Miss Swan, I suppose this is simply another chapter in your illustrious love life drama,” Washmond snuffled after a moment, his bushy mustache quivering with laughter. Mean laughter. I hated him all over again. “Please do something with the evidence and I look forward to you and Miss Stanley’s notes today.”
With that he was gone but me and Jessica shared an anxious look. There would certainly be no notes today if he was specifically on the prowl for them. What kind of sadistic teachers did Forks High School employ anyways?
“Look on the bright side, though,” Lauren offered. “At least they’re condoms and not, like, a huge dildo or something. Think of how many unwanted pregnancies you just prevented!”
“Well gee, when you put it like that . . .”
She laughed and waited until other conversation had picked up to whisper, “I swear I didn’t say anything, Bella. Only you, me and Jessica know, and we didn’t tell anyone, I swear.” No, they hadn’t been the ones to sprint guiltily away.
“I know,” I sighed. “Let’s just forget about it.”
Things like that aren’t easily forgotten, though. Mumbled comments reached my ear for the rest of the school day, and a couple students even openly approached me, asking if I had any spares. The only bright spot was that Edward had apparently been given in-school suspension for his and James’ fight, which meant he wasn’t in either of the two classes we shared or at lunch. I don’t think I could have stood seeing him. I wanted to either slap him for spreading rumors or give him another black eye for having sex with Lauren, but probably I would have just cried. Confrontations have never been my strong point.
It wasn’t until the end of the day, when Alice invited herself over and threw herself into the passenger seat of my truck without asking, that she finally posed the question I knew had been on the tip of her tongue all day, “So what were the condoms for?”
I sighed. Even knowing it was coming, I hadn’t exactly dedicated any thought to what I would say. On the one hand, it was unfair to my best friend to not tell her everything when Lauren and Jessica both knew so much. On the other hand, I wished I didn’t know everything, much less did I want to say it out loud. Verbalizing meant realizing.
So I offered vaguely, “Apparently the rumor is going around that Edward and I had sex.”
“I’m not surprised,” she shrugged. When I gasped, she insisted, “Well, Bella, are you? I mean, I don’t care how good the make up job is, everyone knows you two are covered in hickeys from each other. He beat the shit out of James after everyone knew he’d been making advances all weekend. And then Sunday Edward—“
“Can we please just . . . stop. Don’t. Please?”
“I was going to say—“
“Alice, really, please. I’m not ready to deal with this yet.”
“To deal with what? You actually getting a little—“
I groaned and stopped the car in the middle of the street, “Alice! We didn’t have sex!”
“I was going to say attention,” she sniffed. I began driving again. “So a bunch of little girls are jealous that you had Edward Cullen and a hot older guy fighting over you and start some rumors.”
“
Lauren doesn’t think a bunch of little girls are the ones that started the rumors.”
She scoffed, “First of all, Lauren is a bitch. You can’t possibly think Edward was telling people that when he—“
“Alice!”
“Fine!” she huffed, throwing her hands up in the air. “We won’t talk about it. Yet.”
“Thank you.”
Alice can never remain silent for more than a couple minutes, though, and after only a slight pause, she snorted, “I mean, Emmett did warn you this would be one of the most memorable weekends of your high school experience.”
“Which I ironically only remember half of . . .”
She laughed outright, “That, my beloved Bella, is the beauty of high school. You pull shit you should never survive, and then you abuse substances to erase the bad memories.”
“Concussions are apparently my drug of choice. But so, you and Jasper . . . not that I want details, but I take you two aren’t having sex yet?”
My favorite thing about Jasper Whitaker? As soon as you mention his name to Alice, she forgets anyone else exists and you can then safely pass the rest of the day without a single mention of Edward Cullen. Who is gay.
Ten Main